I am not depressed.
Yet this 30-something “that has everything going for her right now” is just feeling all kinds of blah at the moment.
Post-wedding, I-just-quit-my-job, where-do-I-go-from-here blues?
My darling husband cautioned me not to write this post for fear of coming off as too weepy. However, I made a promise to myself to always write from the heart this time around. Sometimes, things just aren’t all sunbeams and ice cream. So where to begin?
Happily Ever After: There are many of us out there that believe settling down with our lifelong mate will bring us never-ending bliss. We spend so much time in our heads thinking of how we’ll meet, when things will get serious, when he/she will put a ring on it, your long awaited wedding. Days of surfing hashtags and filling Pinterest boards until that moment you are bound to each other for all your mortal days.
Years of daydreams and months of planning for this one special moment
…and then the moment is over. Now, I wholeheartedly believe that my very best days are ahead of me. We get to do life together, start over somewhere new, and create memories as a family. That is heaps more special than one single day.
Of course hindsight is 20/20. Now married, I frequently think back to our dating years. And the one thing that keeps coming to mind is: We made it. If I could, I’d go back and not (mentally and emotionally) rush through all of those small moments that defined us and got us here. I also would love to go back and slap my younger self for ever believing she was too aloof and quirky for someone to love. At least I get to go into marriage with my eyes wide open and a willingness to live and love in the moment.
Bittersweet Goodbye: Oh, the things I could say about my former place of employment. I want to tread carefully here, as I’d like to remain hireable in the future. There was good, and then there was a multitude of extraordinarily miserable people that colored my time there a dark, murky gray. I didn’t mind the work at all, and without having a similar job to compare it to, that may just be the way of office life. If that is case, then that is NOT the life for me. You can try to ignore it and rise above it all, but after so long, that kind of soul-crippling negativity weighs you down. It wasn’t the environment I wanted to stay in as I started this new chapter of my life, and there was absolutely no way I could ever see myself starting a family while working there either. For two years, I let resentment build believing I was stuck with no choice in the matter. Until I decided, nothing is worth it if it makes you that unhappy.
Everyone in my world assumes that I’d be jumping up and down with delight at the chance to leave and start over somewhere new. When I left, I just felt numb. As of right now, there is nowhere new. I used to joke about being a stay-at-home cat mom, and here we are. I am coming around now, and even though I know it was for the best, I can’t help but sometimes feel guilty. We’ve saved, I’m in school to better myself for the future, consistently applying elsewhere, and truly have nothing to feel sad or embarrassed about.
I tell myself that it may take some time for my mind to catch up to my reality, and soon the smiles will come much easier.
For now, I will nerd out and study hard, stay active, and find some time to play in the sunlight.